Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm thereceptionistat the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah,that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one willbetoo if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours andI'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman:"It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:"Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman:"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah,but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:"Yes,but would you stay there?
Friday, December 29, 2006
Amazing Driving!!!
10th Position
9th Position
8th Position
7th Position
6th Position
5th Position
4th Position
4th Position 3rd Position
Runner Up
The Winner!
Helmet worn backside front... Incase U didn't Notice!
Mathematical Love LeTTer !!!
De-Morgan's Law,
Binomial Avenue,
United States of Matrices.
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with our cute circular face, conical nose andspherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours everloving,
Pythagoras
Binomial Avenue,
United States of Matrices.
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with our cute circular face, conical nose andspherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours everloving,
Pythagoras
Men.... Oh My God!!!
Men Are Hard To Please
The Problems With GUYS:
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD .
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ;
If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Marriage!!!
The Silent Treatment:-
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM "
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.
" Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:-
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE:-
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:-(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S:-
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION:-
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM "
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.
" Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:-
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE:-
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:-(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S:-
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION:-
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
How much people Earn In a Minute !!!
In A Minute...
Shah Rukh Khan
What: Actor
How much: Rs 247 per minute
The King Khan, who started off modestly as a 'Fauji', made about Rs 13 crore last year.
This included his endorsement deals for Pepsi, Hyundai Santro - and of course, wetting himself in a bathtub, surrounded by women for HLL's Lux. How much per minute?
Brij Mohan Lall Munjal
What: Chief of Hero Group
How much: Rs 255 per minute
The patriarch of the Hero Group received the Life-time achievement award for 'Excellence in Corporate Governance' by the Institute of Company Secretary of India this year. Brij Mohan Lall Munjal earned about Rs 13.4 crore last year. He continues to be the world's largest motorcycle manufacturer and fuels his bank balance with Rs 255 per minute.
Sachin Tendulkar
What: Cricketer
How much: Rs 1,163 per minute
India's most loved sportsman makes a lot more than most CEOs of Indian companies; going by his annual remuneration for last year. Breaking it down, his three-year contract for endorsements is worth Rs 180 crores. He is also paid Rs 2,35,000 for a five-day test match and Rs 2,50,000 for one dayers. A little bit of elementary math: This highest paid cricketer in the world makes around Rs 61.15 crore a year, or Rs 1,163 per minute
Dr A P J ABDUL Kalam
What: President of India
How much: Rs 1.14 per minute
Before taking on the reins of this country, Dr A P J Kalam played a leading role in the development of India's missile and nuclear weapons programmes - so much so - that he's fondly referred to as the 'Missile Man'. In the early 1990s, he served as scientific adviser to the government, and his prominent role in India 's 1998 nuclear weapons tests established Kalam as a national hero. For all his work in his present capacity as President of the world's largest de mocracy, Kalam draws an annual remuneration of Rs 6,00,000 or Rs 1.14 per minute.
Mukesh Ambani
What: CMD of Reliance Industries Ltd
How much: Rs 413 per minute
Head honcho of the $16.5 billion Reliance Industries Limited, Mukesh Ambani was ranked the world's 56th richest man in Forbe's list. But since this is only about salaries (and the like), we'll completely ignore his other earnings. Last year, Mr Ambani earned Rs 21.72 crore; a neat growth of 87 per cent over his previous year's earnings. He makes not less than Rs 413 per minute.
Amitabh Bachchan
What: Actor
How much: Rs 361 per minute
Kaun Banega Crorepati? Apparently, Mr Bachchan! With more endorsements and film releases per year than successful actors half his age, Bachchan's take-home last year was around Rs 19 crore - that's Rs 361 per minute.
Dr Manmohan Singh
What: Prime Minister of India
How much: Rs 0.57 per minute
An economist by profession, Dr Singh has formerly served in the International Monetary Fund. His economics education included an undergraduate and a master's degree from Punjab University ; an undergraduate degree from Cambridge ; and a doctorate from Oxford University . One of the most educated Indian prime ministers in history, Singh also served as the finance minister under prime minister Narasimha Rao. In his present capacity, Singh is paid Rs 3,60,000 annually, i.e. Rs 0.57 per minute.
Indra Nooyi
What: New Pepsi Chief
How much: Rs 2,911 per minute (from October 11)
Chennai-born 50-year-old Indra Nooyi was the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of PepsiCo, the US-based soft drink major. In that capacity, her remuneration stood at $5 million (over Rs 23 crore). With her promotion this year, Nooyi becomes one of the highest paid CEOs in the world, with an announced remuneration of $33 million (approximately Rs 153 crores). This means Nooyi makes a whopping Rs 2,911 per minute.
*All figures based on media reports
Caution : DON'T start calculating your salary.
Fractions are not allowed.
Shah Rukh Khan
What: Actor
How much: Rs 247 per minute
The King Khan, who started off modestly as a 'Fauji', made about Rs 13 crore last year.
This included his endorsement deals for Pepsi, Hyundai Santro - and of course, wetting himself in a bathtub, surrounded by women for HLL's Lux. How much per minute?
Brij Mohan Lall Munjal
What: Chief of Hero Group
How much: Rs 255 per minute
The patriarch of the Hero Group received the Life-time achievement award for 'Excellence in Corporate Governance' by the Institute of Company Secretary of India this year. Brij Mohan Lall Munjal earned about Rs 13.4 crore last year. He continues to be the world's largest motorcycle manufacturer and fuels his bank balance with Rs 255 per minute.
Sachin Tendulkar
What: Cricketer
How much: Rs 1,163 per minute
India's most loved sportsman makes a lot more than most CEOs of Indian companies; going by his annual remuneration for last year. Breaking it down, his three-year contract for endorsements is worth Rs 180 crores. He is also paid Rs 2,35,000 for a five-day test match and Rs 2,50,000 for one dayers. A little bit of elementary math: This highest paid cricketer in the world makes around Rs 61.15 crore a year, or Rs 1,163 per minute
Dr A P J ABDUL Kalam
What: President of India
How much: Rs 1.14 per minute
Before taking on the reins of this country, Dr A P J Kalam played a leading role in the development of India's missile and nuclear weapons programmes - so much so - that he's fondly referred to as the 'Missile Man'. In the early 1990s, he served as scientific adviser to the government, and his prominent role in India 's 1998 nuclear weapons tests established Kalam as a national hero. For all his work in his present capacity as President of the world's largest de mocracy, Kalam draws an annual remuneration of Rs 6,00,000 or Rs 1.14 per minute.
Mukesh Ambani
What: CMD of Reliance Industries Ltd
How much: Rs 413 per minute
Head honcho of the $16.5 billion Reliance Industries Limited, Mukesh Ambani was ranked the world's 56th richest man in Forbe's list. But since this is only about salaries (and the like), we'll completely ignore his other earnings. Last year, Mr Ambani earned Rs 21.72 crore; a neat growth of 87 per cent over his previous year's earnings. He makes not less than Rs 413 per minute.
Amitabh Bachchan
What: Actor
How much: Rs 361 per minute
Kaun Banega Crorepati? Apparently, Mr Bachchan! With more endorsements and film releases per year than successful actors half his age, Bachchan's take-home last year was around Rs 19 crore - that's Rs 361 per minute.
Dr Manmohan Singh
What: Prime Minister of India
How much: Rs 0.57 per minute
An economist by profession, Dr Singh has formerly served in the International Monetary Fund. His economics education included an undergraduate and a master's degree from Punjab University ; an undergraduate degree from Cambridge ; and a doctorate from Oxford University . One of the most educated Indian prime ministers in history, Singh also served as the finance minister under prime minister Narasimha Rao. In his present capacity, Singh is paid Rs 3,60,000 annually, i.e. Rs 0.57 per minute.
Indra Nooyi
What: New Pepsi Chief
How much: Rs 2,911 per minute (from October 11)
Chennai-born 50-year-old Indra Nooyi was the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of PepsiCo, the US-based soft drink major. In that capacity, her remuneration stood at $5 million (over Rs 23 crore). With her promotion this year, Nooyi becomes one of the highest paid CEOs in the world, with an announced remuneration of $33 million (approximately Rs 153 crores). This means Nooyi makes a whopping Rs 2,911 per minute.
*All figures based on media reports
Caution : DON'T start calculating your salary.
Fractions are not allowed.
Wifes Revenge!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates andsuitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect herthings.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music andfeasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of hardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his newgirlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents andcarpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive woolcarpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtor's refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlementin exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... including the curtain rods!!
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect herthings.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music andfeasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of hardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his newgirlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents andcarpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive woolcarpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtor's refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlementin exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... including the curtain rods!!
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